Angry

I have been angry with God since Wednesday. The kind of angry where you don’t want to talk to Him (pray). The kind of angry where you say “what the hell.”

I feel like God has been picking on me, sounds childish doesn’t it? I know logically that many people have had many more trials than I, but it’s all relative right? I started listing all the times I thought God had forgotten me. When I lost my husband and was left with 4 children ages 6 and under, three years  later when I found out my daughter had autism, and most recently, when my daughter had a breakdown due to a traumatic event and had to be hospitalized for 4 days.

I felt lost and alone.  The burdens of the last 16 years felt too heavy to bear. I felt that I had tried to be what He wanted me to be. I had not dated and devoted myself to my children. I had attended Church and said my prayers. I became more compassionate, volunteered, and used my experiences to help others. Now of course I was not perfect, I was often short on patience and I would complain to Him that I was tired and did not want to do this job of raising children alone. It seemed to me He never heard me. But I came to realize that He had heard me and sent me a special set of people to help me.

In times of crisis it is hard to see blessings, but God is relentless in his giving of them, even when we turn from Him, He keeps giving. It is up to us to recognize those blessings. We need to look past the anger and receive them.

Many of my blessings I can call by name: Joe, Carol, Scott, Theresa, JT, Becky, Kim, Tere, Sally, Suzanne, and Edie, just to name a few. These blessings have been with me though past trials, never leaving my side and supporting me when I felt I couldn’t take another step. We have a history.  We love each other.

A surprise blessing has come to me, this surprise blessing is in the form of a person whom I have recently developed a relationship with.  This person has become special to me.  I was not sure how he would react to my latest crisis, but God did. That must be why He sent him to me. He saw me at my worst and he stayed. He saw my daughter at her worst and he stayed.

I have asked my friends to pray for me for I cannot. Even though I have written the words above and I do believe them, I still am a bit lost.  I do know that God is waiting for me when I am ready to talk to him again. I am sure there is a lesson to learn from this crisis as I did from the others. I am just too close to see it now.

Mother Teresa once said, “I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.”

So Father I know you are listening, please stop trusting me. : )

Insecurities

Insecurities, we all have them. In some people they are easy to see.  In others, it may appear to the world that they don’t have them, but they do. It’s just harder to see them.

When you are insecure, life can be fraught with unseen stress. You can create drama and problems out of thin air. It can seem that the world is against you, that you are not good enough.

I often wonder why it is easier for us to believe the bad stuff people say about us, than it is the good.  I can only speak from a female perspective but I know, that 10 people can tell you that you are beautiful and it only takes one statement to the opposite and that is what you believe.

I have tried very hard to not be insecure. I think if you ask most people they would tell you that all my hard work paid off.  I appear to the world, confident, unafraid and perhaps, a bit brash. But yes, I too have insecurities.  I have just learned how to contain them and to not let them define me.

Maybe our insecurities can make us better and stronger if we confront them. If, in spite of what we think, we take that leap, even if we are afraid of the outcome

I battle insecurities:  when I speak in front of people and I wonder if I will be good enough; I am back in school and I wonder if I am smart enough; and in my relationship I wonder if I will be enough for him. And yet I go forth. I tell my daughter that courage is when we are afraid to do something, but we do it anyway.

I think if we learn that we are enough (I’m still learning), and ALL parts of us make up who we are, that if we don’t like our insecurities we can do something about them. I’m not saying that they ever go away; I’m saying that we can control them.

Many of us require the spur of insecurity to force us to do our best. Maybe without our insecurities we would never grow as people. So grab a hold of whatever insecurities you have and take them out for a ride. You never know where they may take you.