Hope

Hope, it’s a small word with big impact.  You first learn about the word when you are small. It may begin with a hoped for toy. As we get older in our teens we continue to learn about the word, we hope that our parents will let us go on a trip or we hope that cute boy might ask us out.

Our first dances with hope are selfish; the hope is directed back at us.  As we grow and start to think more of the world around us, our hope starts to encompass more; it allows us to be more.

Hope, it’s a small word but it‘s strong. It’s the word that you can hold on to when all goes wrong. It’s the word that you can cling to when all else fails. All you have to do to see the strength of hope is to ask someone who has clung to it.

All any of us needs is just a little hope. A little hope goes a long way. And once you have a little hope it can grow. It can bloom and take shape in ways we never had imagined

Hope, it’s a small word that allows us to dream, and the sweet thing about dreaming with hope is, that no dream is too big.

In our lifetime we use hope in many different ways.  It can help us through tragedy, it can sustain us until some far off dream is attained, or it can simply be there as a feeling we can wrap our self in for comfort.

Now of course, we don’t always get what we hope for and that sometimes can be devastating.  But that should never ever, keep you from hoping. Because even when you think all hope is lost, it’s not. It’s still in the place you’ve always kept it, next to your heart.

Hope, it’s a small word, but we just can’t live without it.

Angry

I have been angry with God since Wednesday. The kind of angry where you don’t want to talk to Him (pray). The kind of angry where you say “what the hell.”

I feel like God has been picking on me, sounds childish doesn’t it? I know logically that many people have had many more trials than I, but it’s all relative right? I started listing all the times I thought God had forgotten me. When I lost my husband and was left with 4 children ages 6 and under, three years  later when I found out my daughter had autism, and most recently, when my daughter had a breakdown due to a traumatic event and had to be hospitalized for 4 days.

I felt lost and alone.  The burdens of the last 16 years felt too heavy to bear. I felt that I had tried to be what He wanted me to be. I had not dated and devoted myself to my children. I had attended Church and said my prayers. I became more compassionate, volunteered, and used my experiences to help others. Now of course I was not perfect, I was often short on patience and I would complain to Him that I was tired and did not want to do this job of raising children alone. It seemed to me He never heard me. But I came to realize that He had heard me and sent me a special set of people to help me.

In times of crisis it is hard to see blessings, but God is relentless in his giving of them, even when we turn from Him, He keeps giving. It is up to us to recognize those blessings. We need to look past the anger and receive them.

Many of my blessings I can call by name: Joe, Carol, Scott, Theresa, JT, Becky, Kim, Tere, Sally, Suzanne, and Edie, just to name a few. These blessings have been with me though past trials, never leaving my side and supporting me when I felt I couldn’t take another step. We have a history.  We love each other.

A surprise blessing has come to me, this surprise blessing is in the form of a person whom I have recently developed a relationship with.  This person has become special to me.  I was not sure how he would react to my latest crisis, but God did. That must be why He sent him to me. He saw me at my worst and he stayed. He saw my daughter at her worst and he stayed.

I have asked my friends to pray for me for I cannot. Even though I have written the words above and I do believe them, I still am a bit lost.  I do know that God is waiting for me when I am ready to talk to him again. I am sure there is a lesson to learn from this crisis as I did from the others. I am just too close to see it now.

Mother Teresa once said, “I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.”

So Father I know you are listening, please stop trusting me. : )

Insecurities

Insecurities, we all have them. In some people they are easy to see.  In others, it may appear to the world that they don’t have them, but they do. It’s just harder to see them.

When you are insecure, life can be fraught with unseen stress. You can create drama and problems out of thin air. It can seem that the world is against you, that you are not good enough.

I often wonder why it is easier for us to believe the bad stuff people say about us, than it is the good.  I can only speak from a female perspective but I know, that 10 people can tell you that you are beautiful and it only takes one statement to the opposite and that is what you believe.

I have tried very hard to not be insecure. I think if you ask most people they would tell you that all my hard work paid off.  I appear to the world, confident, unafraid and perhaps, a bit brash. But yes, I too have insecurities.  I have just learned how to contain them and to not let them define me.

Maybe our insecurities can make us better and stronger if we confront them. If, in spite of what we think, we take that leap, even if we are afraid of the outcome

I battle insecurities:  when I speak in front of people and I wonder if I will be good enough; I am back in school and I wonder if I am smart enough; and in my relationship I wonder if I will be enough for him. And yet I go forth. I tell my daughter that courage is when we are afraid to do something, but we do it anyway.

I think if we learn that we are enough (I’m still learning), and ALL parts of us make up who we are, that if we don’t like our insecurities we can do something about them. I’m not saying that they ever go away; I’m saying that we can control them.

Many of us require the spur of insecurity to force us to do our best. Maybe without our insecurities we would never grow as people. So grab a hold of whatever insecurities you have and take them out for a ride. You never know where they may take you.

 

Sunrise, Sunset

I have a favorite time of day, two actually. I love the early morning, sunrise,  a time when the world is just waking up with me, a time of quiet. I can have a cup of tea, and listen to the birds singing and bringing in the new day. It is a moment when my house is not yet filled with noise. Children still slumber peacefully in bed, no demands yet on my time.

I like the phrase “dawn of a new day.” It paints a word picture in my mind of the day slowly waking, calmly, peacefully.  The morning is important. It can set the tone for the day. I try never to rush the morning because I know that once the day is fully upon me it can gather momentum, like a wheel going down hill that I never can catch.

As I get lost in the day doing the things I have to do, things people want me to do and places I have to go, I sometime forge ahead and don’t take a breathe till my other favorite time of day, sunset.

This is a time to slow down, to leave work, worries and sometimes responsibilities at the door. I have a group of friends and when we are together we plan our days around the sunset. Sunsets can be a spectacular sight, but even when you are in a place where the topography is not, it is still a moment to slow down and enjoy the fruits of our labor. I know that sometimes after a particularly challenging day it may be hard to recognize those fruits. Which is the very reason we should.

As mornings are for beginnings, evenings are for endings, a time for enjoying our loved ones who we have been apart from all day.

I don’t always get to enjoy my favorite times of day. Sometimes I oversleep, I have school in the evenings, or someone is sick. So you might say in theory this is a good idea but you don’t have time. Most assuredly this probably is true. Since I know it is not feasible everyday, I try to set aside time several times a week to enjoy my early mornings and sunsets.

I think of this as a little vacation time that doesn’t cost any money. I’d rather be in the mountains in the morning or the ocean at sunset, but till that happens, the view from my back porch with a cup of tea or a glass of wine is just fine!

Disappointed

Recently someone I love very much disappointed me. This of course is a given. If you ever have a relationship with anyone at some point they will disappoint you and make you angry.

This does not mean they don’t love you, it means they are human. In my disappointment I try to remember that I too have disappointed people.  I didn’t set out to hurt the ones I love and neither did my loved one.

How we respond to disappointment is our choice. Our response is important. It can allow a person to recognize their mistake and to make amends or it can cause a rift. In understanding that a mistake is a learning moment, not intended to hurt, but rather a moment where you can clarify thoughts and feelings, a moment to learn to show grace and forgiveness, if we just let it.

Showing grace and forgiveness does not mean that there are not consequences to actions. Indeed it is important that there are consequences. That’s how we learn.  When our children disappoint by making a bad choice, part of the learning is in the consequence. Sometimes, it is in the disappointing of someone that makes the biggest impact.

I hope those I care about know that when they disappoint me, even though I am upset with them, I still love them. I am not one to yell and scream when I am upset.  One thing I have learned over the years is to listen and then take time to think about what they told me. So that when I respond, it is not out of hurt or anger.

When it’s all said and done, I want people to remember that they could talk to me. Even when the topic was hard or unpleasant, that I could be a person of reason, and that I was a place of comfort and forgiveness. I think if more people could talk about their disappointments and hurts there would be less of them. And wouldn’t that be great!

Put The World Away For A Minute

I’m tired today. Not a physical tired, more of a mental tired.  In this world of ours that moves so fast it can be wearisome trying to keep up. And for me today, I don’t want to try and keep up. I want to be on the beach with the sun shining down and just starting a good book. I want this beach to be deserted. I don’t want to see any signs of humanity (unless it’s the cabana boy refilling my beverage).

I am not unhappy; I fully realize that I am blessed. I just need some peace. Time away from the cares of this world, some time for me.  I’d like to put a little distance between reality and me.  There is a line in a song that keeps running through my head, “gonna put the world away for a minute, pretend I don’t live in it.

I think that pretty much captures my feelings just about now.  We all need moments to refresh and renew ourselves.  Sad to say, I think we don’t do enough of that. There always seems to be something that tugs on us, some responsibility that is always beckoning us. And in the event that we do take a bit of time for ourselves, I dare say that the thought of our responsibilities are not far off.

I have a lot to do today, I have several papers (I went back to school) due on Monday (yes, I have waited to the last minute). I have the chores around the house. I have several issues that pertain to the school I volunteer with. I had, shall we say an incident at my daughter’s school that took up some time. And I just started a new job.  You might be thinking so what, I do that too. Well you’re right, you probably do.

We all need to take some time. Real downtime, to recharge, renew, and refresh. So come along with me and put the world away for a minute and pretend you don’t live in it. Then go find a book, a beach, and a beer.

And Yet She Runs

I went to pick up my daughter yesterday after track practice. She is a sophomore in high school and on the JV track team. I arrived early and was sitting in the car. As I was scanning the area looking for her, I spied a lone runner off in the distance. As the runner got closer I realized that it was my Emma.  The other runners were far ahead of her. As she ran by me she gave a cheerful wave and said she would be done soon.

As I watched her, it reminded me of how proud I am of her, of how her love of running is a mystery to me. She can, and has, run fast. But even her fastest leaves her last in most races and far behind her teammates in practice. And yet she runs.

This time of year she runs twice a day at school. She must rise early and be at practice by 6:30am. She is tired in the morning but gets up with a happy smile because she gets to run. Once there she runs for an hour then cleans up and goes to class. At the end of the school day she has 2 more hours of running. She is weary and yet she runs

Her teammates are kind and accepting but not inclusive. So, for most of the time Emma is on the perimeter of things, always on the outside looking in. And yet she runs.

To the outsider sometimes it appears that she is running so slow that she isn’t getting anywhere.  When I mention this to her she says that she will try harder next time. When I tell her she needs to keep up with her teammates she tells me she will. And when I harp and nag about it, she will look at me and tell me that’s enough, I don’t want to talk about it.  Which reminds me that she is doing her best.

On the weekends she runs in the neighborhood. To her it doesn’t matter if it’s hot or cold. Her running is solitary as is much of her life. And yet she runs.

As I watch her run I often think, how many people would still run if they always came in last? How many would still love running?  Who would still be on a team where you are never really accepted? And yet she runs.

To love something so fully, that what people think, doesn’t matter. To do it, with disregard for the outcome, just because you love it, that’s where true happiness comes in. That’s what Emma is teaching me.

What makes this incredible to me is that my dear sweet Emma is Autistic.  Many things are difficult for her. I never thought she would ever want to run. I guess there is a freedom in the running for her. Emma once told me she loves the feeling of the wind when she runs, it makes her feel like she is flying.

I am so very glad she found something that makes her happy, something that brings her a sense of accomplishment. I hope she always has this love for running, that no matter what people say she will keep running and at the end of the day I can still say “And Yet She Runs.”